Monday, December 19, 2011

Dear Diary

Somebody sent me this email. Thought it was funny and wanted to share.

Dear Diary, 

For my birthday this year, my husband purchased for me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. 

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. 

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. 
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! 

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! 

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! 
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. 

His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me. 
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to 
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. 

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY 

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other sh*t 
A$$hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. 

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny b*tch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine - which I sank 
I hate that b@stard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. 

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. 

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? 
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked 
the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!! 

Monday, December 5, 2011

"ME" Time in December

The excuses for not exercising in December are becoming plentiful. They range from the understandable like "I have to get my holidays cards sent" or "I am cooking for 15 tonight" or "I have to wrap presents".  Then there are the same old lazy ones "I'm to tired" and "I don't feel good". Of course your tired, you are  skipping workouts when you need it the most.

Many people, especially women, feel guilty for taking time for themselves during the holidays. We tend to DO for everyone else but ourselves. It's time to stop that and get moving. I went to the spa for the entire day yesterday and felt so good this morning. We know ME time is good for us, but we rarely do that in December, when we need to the most.

Exercise and ME time should be at the top of your Holiday list! and here is why.

1. You will feel JOLLIER - Seriously, exercise will make you happier.  It's a scientific fact.  The more stressed you are the more exercise you need. Grab a friend and find an exercise class!

2. You will save MONEY - Exercise makes you healthier. You do not want to get sick over the holidays and wrack up the medical bills. Take time for yourself and exercise guilt free.

3. Keep off the holiday POUNDS - 30 minutes of jogging a day can burn 300 calories...enough to let you have a holiday treat without worrying about your midsection.

If someone told you there was a gift that would make you happier, self confident, and more energetic, wouldn't you want it NOW? Merry Christmas from me... Attached is your coupon to do just that.